A Trip to the Shrink
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(Disclaimer: Dr. Tracy is a character created by David. E. Kelley for the comedy TV series, "Ally McBeal"
Candy meets with the crazy, sarcastic psychiatrist Dr. Tracy (played by the British comedian actress Tracey Ullman) after her break up with Terry. Hmmm... what happens when wacky meets Candy? My warped mind wanted to know... heheheheh...
DOOR to psychiatrist office opens.
Dr. Tracy: (looks from behind desk at Candy from head to toe and shakes her head) You donít need to tell me what your problem is, honey. I already know!
Candy: (blinks, looks confused) You can tell?
Dr. Tracy: Have a seat. Itís my job to be able to tell... thatís why Iím a psychiatrist. I know these things. And I know your type.
Candy: (sits down tentatively and wonders if she came to the right place) My type?
Dr. Tracy: (leans back against her chair and studies Candy behind her black-rimmed glasses as if she were a microbe under a high powered electron microscope) Yes... your type... the Miss goody-two shoes, let me be the one to suffer instead, my life is not as important as yours... type!
Candy: (gasps out loud) Iím not like that!
Dr. Tracy: (nodding and smirking) And... full of denial too. Kid... you got some major problems we have to work out and itís going to take at least 10 sessions... at LEAST!
Candy: (begins to stand up) Ten sessions! I canít afford ten sessions!
Dr. Tracy: (points remote control at Candy and suddenly the chair moves forward, forcing Candy to fall back into a sitting position) My time is precious so weíll start session one right now.
Candy: (feels dazed, wonders what just happened) But... but...
Dr. Tracy: Candy... (rolls her eyes upward and laughs) Is that really your name? CANDY? My God... How SWEET!
Candy: (frowns) I happen to like my name!
Dr. Tracy: (nods, expecting that comment) Yeah... and I suppose you love your freckles too, am I right?
Candy: (blinks and blushes) Of... of course!
Dr. Tracy: (sighs and leans back in her chair again and shrugs) I knew it. Itís a good thing to like something about your self. Youíre not hopeless after all.
Candy: (feeling irritated) Hopeless? Why do you think Iím hopeless?
Dr. Tracy: (leans forward) Donít you think youíre hopeless, Candy?
Candy: (shakes her head) Of course not!
Dr. Tracy: (snorts in disbelief) Oh really? Then why are you here?
Candy: (fidgets with her dress) Iím here because... because... (long pause)
Dr. Tracy: (taps her fingers on her desktop impatiently) Because... because... time is ticking!
Candy: (blurts out) I havenít been able to stop thinking of HIM. (tears start to fall and she looks away, embarrassed)
Dr. Tracy: (appears bored) Him... him... does he have a name? No donít need to tell me. Let me guess... TOM... DICK... or HARRY...
Candy: (cries out) Itís Terry! His name is Terry! (chokes back a sob)
Dr. Tracy: (hands a tissue to Candy) Aha... Terry... I was just getting to that. (leans forward slightly to make her point) Hmmm... Let me guess. Youíre not over Terry, are you?
Candy: (shakes her head) Iím trying to get over him. We broke up.
Dr. Tracy: Well thatís obvious. Care to tell me why? (looks at her watch, appears bored again)
Candy: (bites her lower lip) She... she loved him and there was no way we could be together...
Dr. Tracy: (attempts to stifle a yawn then stands up suddenly) Yada yada yada. You donít need to explain further. I think Iíve heard this story before...
Candy: (looks up, puzzled) What?
Dr. Tracy: (walks to the front of her desk and sits on it) This is what happened and you donít need to correct me if Iím wrong because Iím never wrong. You and this... Terry fellow... you were probably high school friends who later became more than friends... And he probably wanted it to be more, but your virginal attitude got in the way... am I right? No, donít answer that because I know I am. So this Terry guy... for some reason known only to him, feels obligated to this other woman even though in his heart, he would really rather be with you. BUT... because of your self-sacrificing, annoyingly altruistic values, you decided that it would be best for all concerned that the two of you break up, am I right? No... donít answer that either because I know Iím right. But putting all THAT aside, let me tell you what the real problem is here, honey.
Candy: (gives her a blank expression)
Dr. Tracy: I can see that youíre clueless so Iím going to spell it out for you. Besides, weíve already used up 15 minutes and my next client is really handsome.
Candy: Whatís wrong with me, doctor?
Dr. Tracy: You need to get laid.
Candy: (gives her another blank expression)) Laid? Why? Where should I lie down?
Dr. Tracy: (groans in exasperation) I forgot... Iím using 20th century lingo. Laid... as in... bedded... as in... meet a man who will screw your brains out.
Candy: (shocked) How dare you suggest such a thing? Iím not that type...
Dr. Tracy: Exactly! Thatís my point! Youíre NOT that type... Candy. (laughs to herself) I still canít believe your name is Candy!
Candy: (confused) I donít understand, Dr. Tracy.
Dr. Tracy: Of course you donít. You are little Miss NaÔve with the virginal mind and body. Your problem Candy is that you refuse to allow yourself to feel pleasure... and be pleasured.
Candy: (blushing) I... Iím not interested in that sort...
Dr. Tracy: Of course you are! Youíre just lying to yourself! Has Terry ever kissed you? Never mind... donít answer that. Iím sure he did. And when he did... what did you do?
Candy: (looks away, embarrassed) I donít want to talk about it
Dr. Tracy: Never mind... I already know. You slapped him, right? Donít answer that. I know you did.
Candy: (looks up, surprised) How did you know?
Dr. Tracy: (gives her a "why are you surprised" look) Come on!! Your behavior is a classic textbook, or should I say "manga" version of what most young American girls written by Japanese authors say and do.
Candy: Nani? (means "what" in Japanese)
Dr. Tracy: See? Youíre speaking Japanese already and why am I not surprised... especially considering youíve got blonde hair and green eyes and you were raised... where... Michigan?
Candy: (sighs and feels confused) What should I do, Dr. Tracy?
Dr. Tracy: (stands up and walks to the door) Timeís up. Thatís Session number 2.
Candy: (stands up, feeling somewhat better, but not really) Thank you, Dr. Tracy.
Dr. Tracy: (smiles widely) Of course! (opens door for Candy to exit and her next client is standing there, ready to knock) Well hello, handsome! Iím glad you could make our second session!
Candy: (shocked, frozen in place) Terry!
Terry: (shocked, frozen in place) Candy!
Dr. Tracy: (looks at Terry and Candy then shakes her head in disbelief) I thought the story sounded familiar.