Celebrity DethMath Special Edition:
The unsolved problems of Candy Candy
Nick/Johnny: Hello, this is Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez from the stage of AniMeTV. Today we'll see how some problems get resolved in three fights. We had some problems choosing the characters, since some of them could fit in all the categories, but we spent some nights thinking about it and finally we have the results.
The first fight will choose the most evil character of the story: Lisa Legan vs. Neil Legan.
The second fight will determine the most handsome and best choice for Candy's couple: Terruce Grandchester vs Albert Andley.
And the third and most decisive fight of the night: Who will get the title of the perfect girl for Terruce Grandchester?
Here we have Stacy Conbrad from backstage giving us a shot of what was going on there.
Stacy: Hi Nick, Hi Johnny. Yes, here I am in the dressing room of the first couple who will get in the ring: the Legans Siblings, but they refused to talk to the press... Mmhh (she says moving her nose) What is that bad odor? It smells like skunk. I need some air, back to you guys.
Nick: Oh poor Stacy, it seems she didn't know about the life of one of our stars.
Johnny: Somebody needs a bath there Nick, hehehe.
Well, no more talk, the first battle will begin now:
THE MOST EVIL CHARACTER OF CANDY CANDY:
On the left corner: a really evil woman, who's goal in her life is making the life of others as dark as the night. Daughter of one of the most important families in Chicago: Elisa Legan.
(some rich people clap in the first rows, making their jewels sound)
On the right corner: an ex coward who used to hit women in the school, also a pain in the ass for others and after some time, he fell in love with the main character. Thatīs the reason why these siblings are fighting. Neil Legan.
(the same people clapping, their father paying some money to the referee tostop the fight but he refuses the money). Their mother is also crying.
Lane Mills, our referee will give the instructions to the contenders:
Referee: I want a good and clean fight. Let's get it on!
The ring indicates that the fight is starting:
Elisa: Come on Neil, you betrayer, we did some really bad things in the past and we could've done the same in the future, but you fell in love with that servant (she says moving her fists)
Neil: Yes, we did bad things but now I cant do it anymore, I still love Candy (he said hitting her)
Elisa: You prefer an orphan more than your sister? You deserve to die (she says throwing some diamond rings at his face, taking him by surprise) See? Do you like that little bro?
Neil: Ah! Bitch you gonna pay (he said throwing her some cups of whisky in her eyes, burning them and getting her blind for some minutes)
Elisa: AAAAhhhhh , I cant see! (she says running around the ring)
Neil: You gonna die and Iīll fight for Candy again (he said running fast to her, but she recovers, takes her fan out of a pocket, opens it and throws it to Neil, cutting his neck, and his head flies away off the ring)
Elisa: Yeah! (she comes out of the ring and pick her cat) Go, eat him! (she ordered and the cat did it.)
Johnny: Ok Nick, it seems we have a winner: Elisa Legan.
Nick: Yes, let's repeat the last move of Elisa, right at the moment when the edge of the fan cut Neil's neck. Johnny, I wouldnt like to have a sister like her.
Johnny: You bet Nick, hehehe!
The second fight of the night is here:
THE MOST HANDSOME AND BEST CHOICE FOR CANDY'S COUPLE
In the audience we see some movie stars, actors and actresses of Broadway, also some thecream of the society, from England and the United States. Here are some statistics about our fighters:
Terruce Grandchester (nick: Terry)
- Broadway Actor
- Fan of Shakespeare
- He helped Candy to forget some old traumas in their school time
- Good looking
- An amazing personality
- Son of a noble and an actress
William A. Andley (nick: Albert)
- One of the most richest man on America
- Loves the ecology and animals
- He adopted Candy when she was a little girl
- Supported her in her bad moments
Nick: As you can see Johnny, this Terry guy has many fans. Tonight's organization had to put a special place for the Candy Candy Fan Club, look at them with signs, billboards and posters.
Johnny: Yes Nick, I can recognize some of those girls. The one that is dressed like Rambo ready to fight is Nila-san, from Hawaii, well known for her "non-sanctus" comments about the relationship of Candy and Terry (Nila waves at everybody smiling). Then there is Alys, dressed like Sailor Mercury that will fight for the love of the couple through her pen and paper, she's a writer (Alys stands up and everybody says "Go Alys", uuh doing the wave). I can also recognize Sophie, Elaine, Sopa and other girls... wait, I can also see a girl that just escaped from a mental institution this morning, she claimed to be Nš 1 fan of Terry. She's also a writer and says that she's married to that guy... Isnt she Bulma aka Gia aka G aka nina? Look out everybody, she's dangerous (Bulma stands up with guns in her eyes, and a T-shirt that says: "I did it with Terry, so what?"
Nick: I wouldnīt like to meet them in a dark alley at night, Johnny.
Johnny: Me neither.
Nick: On the other side, we had to put a special place for some animals that are visiting us tonight, and some seats for the fans of Albert... there arenīt many. There is also the representative of Greenpeace that support him, and Woody Allen that thinks that nobody understands the real feelings of Albert toward his adopted daughter... maybe he wants to give him some advice. Hahaha!!
Johnny: He's got experience in that, hahaha!
Club: TERRY TERRY TERRY TERRY TERRY!!!!!
Nick: Ladies, please turn the volume down since the fight is about to begin.
The girls of the club look at Nick with killing eyes: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Both guys swallow with some difficulty.
Johnny: Eh, nothing... if you shut up you'll be able to hear what Terry says .
Club: Ahhhh TERRY TERRY!!
Nila-san: Ok girls, let's see the fight and shut up!
On the left corner: Mr. handsome, a rebel with a cause, a great actor: TERRY GRANDCHESTER
Club: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (some girls pass out, others
throw some bra at the ring, others cry, others sing, ahhhhh Terry)
Nila: Thatīs enough. Shut up (she says getting another pair of bra to throw the next time)
On the right corner: Dr. Doolitle in person, a guy that was in the war but we didnt know what he was doing there, a guy that likes to dress skirts: ALBERT ANDLEY
Fans: Ehh Albert. (we hardly hear them cheering him up)
Nick: If this was a contest of popularity, we know who would've won.
Johnny: The fight is starting. Let's see our referee!
Referee: Gentlemen, I want a good fight. You don't start saying your King Lear lines, and you get a shower, you smell like skunk. Let's get it on.
Nick: And the fight begins. They look at each other with hate in their eyes.
Terry: So you want Candy for you? No way, she loves me (he says kicking him)
Albert: You're married pal, you're dead for her! (he said pushing him)
Terry: We gonna settle this up now... (Terry goes to a side and picks up his collection of Shakespeare books and throws them to Albert. Albert knows how much they cost and that the kids of the orphanage will be happy to read them, so he starts picking them and putting them in a side of the corner)
Albert: Have you ever thought that some people dont have books to read?
Terry: Oh yeah! (he said running to him, and take out his whiplash, hitting him hard)
Albert: That's not fair!
Referee: Itīs ok, it counts.
CLUB: EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE TERRY!
Albert stands up and pick up Poupé, who immediately starts throwing his disgusting odor to Terry. However he makes a good move and avoids that liquid from falling over him. Instead, it falls all over Mrs. Elroy! "William, you'll be punished at home," she says leaving pretty angry.
Terry: Is that your best weapon? See this? She gave me this once and now you're gonna die! (he says showing him a harmonica)
Albert: Oh yeah? Show me how!
Terry begins to recite some of his lines from Romeo and Juliet.
Club: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (whispering with hearts in our eyes)
Terry continues... with his blue eyes staring at Albert for a minute, hypnotizing him... and then he get closer to him and puts the harmonica in Albert's ears, blowing pretty hard, making him deaf.
Club: YEAHHHH TERRY!!!
Albert goes around the ring with blood in his ears, screaming, "I cant hear! I cant hear!"
Terry: Hey, some of your friends in the battlefield sent you this, with a message: "Get a shower, and change your clothes: you stink!" Good bye Albert (says Terry throwing him a genuine bomb from the WW1, making Albert explode and cover his animals and his fans with his guts.
Johnny: We got a winner, and itīs Mr. Terry Grandchester!
Club: AHAHAHAHAH, TERRY TERRY (throwing roses to the ring)
Terry: Makes a sign to his fans, sending them some kisses with his hand and leaving the ring
Club: HISTERIA!!!! everybody's screaming, shouting.
Nila, Alys and Bulma celebrates with champagne while the others have a party on their own.
Johnny: Nick, we gonna need our special forces to control those girls!
Nick: Yes, and also some extra ambulances!
Johnny: Now we gonna have the most important fight of this night. Many fans have been waiting for it for almost 20 years. Mrs. Kyoko Mizuki didn't want to appear here tonight because she didn't want to see her lovely characters fight till they kill each other.
THE TITLE OF THE PERFECT GIRL FOR TERRY GRANDCHESTER
Club: Changing posters and billboards, showing some pretty ugly pics of Susanah
Nick: These two girls have been enemies for a long time, but now they have decided to finish this. One will live and the other will die. Both of them have been training for long weeks, and now we'll see the results of it.
Johnny: You're right Nick. The people are waiting for this fight, so let's see.
On the right corner, a lovely and pretty girl, with a golden heart that will give her life to save the one of an ant. She has helped everybody in her story, and even sacrificed herself for the happiness of others. An expert with the lace and the technique of climbing trees, MISS CANDICE WHITE ANDLEY!
Club: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE, CANDY CANDY CANDY!!!!
On the left, a former actress, the worst nightmare of any anime lover... who else? The owner of the most annoying face on earth: SUSANAH MARLOWE!
Club: BUUUHHHH DIE BUUUUUUHHHHH (throwing eggs, tomatoes, bananas, rotten food)
Nick: I think we better... eh? What the hell is going on? What are you ladies doing here?
Nila-san, Alys, Elaine and Bulma climbed up and were standing beside Nick and Johnny.
Nila: Sorry guys, but we have to do something (grabbing the mic)
Johnny: You're not allowed here ladies, please leave or we'll call security!
The four of them look at him with a magnum in each eye.
Johnny: Ehhh, well do what you have to do here (with sweat drops in his head)
Nila: Ok girls of the club. Stand up and prepare the choir, ehem ehem!! (cleaning the throat)
Sing: Sobakasu nante kimi ni.... (all the club singing)
Nick: What are you doing lady?
Nila: Shut up, we're singing the hymn of the club, any problem???
Nick: Ehh, no!
They sing the whole opening in Japanese, then English, Spanish, and French.
Johnny: Did you finish ladies?
Nila: Yes, and now we go back to our places (the four leave the place)
Nick/Johnny: Ufff, letīs start the fight!
Referee: Ok ladies, itīs your turn now. (whispering to Candy) I'm on your side! Hit her with everything. And you Susanna Marlowe, dont show us your death cow face, ok? Letīs get it on!
Candy: I'm sorry, you know it wasn't my intention, but I want Terry back with me.
Susanna: Oh yeah? I'm prepared!
Candy: Itīs against my principles to hurt somebody but Terry's worth any sacrifice! (says by pulling DBS-Damn B*tch Susanna- hair)
Susanna: Ahhh my hair, take this (she says grabbing a bottle of liquid paper, erasing the freckles of Candy's face), your trademark will disappear!!
Candy: My freckles are mine, and if you erase them away, I know how to get more. Letīs see if you know how to play freesbe (she says throwing the symbol of the Andleys at Susanna, which gets stuck in one of her breasts)
Club: HEHEHEHEHEH CANDY!!!!
Susanna: You wanna play hard? Look!! (she says taking out some pics and threw them at Candy)
Nick: What is that?
Johnny: That's the filthy trick of the pics nick! Marlowe is showing to her opponent all the pics that the press have put in their newspapers of Susanna and Terry together, and that would break any girlīs heart!
Nick: These girls really play hard, dont they?
Susanna: Yeah, yeah, you see? I'm the right girl for him! We look great together!
Nila: Hey Candy, cheer up, you can do it girl! Girls, let's cheer her up!
Club: CANDY CANDY, GO AND KILL THAT SUCKER, CANDY CANDY!!
Candy: (slow stand up) Thanks girls, Miss Pony, Sister Lynn...
Nila: Cut the crap off, fight!
Candy: Yeah... there goes the attack of the nurse in love (she says throwing a surgery knife at Susanna's right eye)
Slowly the skin of the eye starts falling down, and a horrible vision comes to the view. She begins a transformation and suddenly she is...
Nick: Sheīs the sister of Terminator!
Johnny: Yes, when she got to the city she decided to get a surgery, that's why she has a leg and can walk, but now we have discovered her secret!
Candy: You're a monster in heart and body Susannah... canīt believe how I let go Terry for you!
Susanna: (talking with terminator's voice) You're going to die!
Candy: I don't think so... still got some tricks (she says taking some papers off her pocket)
Nick: What is that?
Johnny: It seems that Candy is reading the letters that Terry wrote her during the time they were together, very romantic letters!
Club: Buahhhh (all of us crying of joy)
Nick: I'm moved Johnny! (he says drying his eyes)
Johnny: Itīs hard not to be friend.
Susanna suffers the same effect than the other people and starts crying because Terry never told her those words.
Nick: What am I looking at Johnny? Isn't she...
Johnny: Yes, we all know how dangerous water can be to machines, especially robots. The tears from Susanna's eyes are rusting every piece of her robotic body. She canīt move!
Club: HEHEHEHE UUUHHHH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!
Somebody in the public: Look! Up there! In the lights!
Nick: Look Johnny, isnt that Marilyn Manson, the most evil man in America on the lights of the ring?
Johnny: Yes he is Nick. Letīs remember that when Hanson and Spice girls were fighting he appeared and kicked their butts. But what is he doing here?
(Manson does some damage to the lights, which fall down right on the head of Susanna, leaving her unconcious)
Manson: (with a mic) Yes! Candy, when I was a kid I saw your story and since then I hated that bitch. Thatīs why I became this person full of hate and I wanted to give you a hand. I hope you and Terry get together soon... the beautiful people, the beautiful people (singing)
Nick: I canīt believe it, Marilyn manson is a fan of the story, canīt believe it!
Johnny: Hard to believe Nick... letīs see what says our referee!
Referee: Sheīs half alive, half dead.
Candy: Mr. Mills, can other people come and give her the last shot?
Referee: Mmh, this is a special occasion, so go on!
Candy: Girls! Do your job! (says calling the girls of the club)
Club: (dressed as in wildheart) GOOOOOOOO!!!!! HASTA LA VISTA DBS!
In a few seconds, no traces of Susanna's body were left on the ring.
Referee: And the winner is: Miss Candice White Andley!!
Club: WOWOWOWOW YEAH !!!!!!!!
Nick: And now, as a special ending for this lovely fight, we got a surprise!
(The lights are soft over the ring, darkness in the public. Suddenly, Terry appears on the ring)
Terry: You gave a wonderful fight sweetheart!
Candy: All for you, my love.
They hug and kiss each other.
Club: Ohhh, weīre so happy!(crying with joy again)
Nila: Danger, danger on the right corner, Alys, Bulma, letīs go there!
Nick: What a lovely scene!
Johnny: Yes, but the problems arenīt finished yet... Look, itīs Elisa Legan trying to interrupt the scene!
(Alys, Nila and Bulma pick some guns and like Pulp fiction, they fill Elisa's lungs with bullets)
Nila: Good job girls!
The couple wave goodbye and leave the place in a fancy limo, a special gift from the people who saw the series 20 years ago.
Nick: This has been one of the greatest fights in history!
Johnny: Yes it was. Even my grandma was excited. Well, thatīs it. Good fight, good night!
Đ 2000 Bulma