Susannah's Diary

by MsCandyEmma

Dear Diary,

Do you think he could love me? I have loved him since the day I met him and he doesn't even know it. I want to tell him so much, but each time I try, he always walks away. During rehearsals, he recites his lines as if I'm not a part of the scene. He looks at me, but I know that he is actually looking through me. When he kisses me during rehearsals, I fall into a million pieces at his feet. I let my lips linger awhile longer to make it last...but he always moves away too soon. Am I not beautiful enough? Other men have told me so, but I have never paid attention. I want to be beautiful for Terry. I want him to notice me and tell me how beautiful I am. Most of all, I want him to tell me that he loves me. Oh how I love him so! It aches deep inside and I just want to fall into his arms and stay there forever. He is in my thoughts day and night. Even after rehearsals are over, I don't want to leave the theater when he is there. I just want to spend all my time with him, watching him rehearse....even if he doesn't notice that I'm there. He works so hard to become the best actor he can be and I am sure that he will be one day soon. He is so handsome...so strong and confident. I could watch him forever. Sometimes I notice a distant faraway look in his eyes, as if he is transporting himself to another time, another place. I want to know his thoughts....but I'm too afraid to ask because he likes his privacy. Sometimes I feel that I'm intruding upon him and then I feel guilty about it. But I can't help it. I just need to be near him...to talk to him...about anything. I love to hear his voice...especially when he says my name. Tomorrow we are going to Chicago to play King Lear. It's an important debut for him and I know he will be successful. Maybe I will tell him how I feel after the play. My love is bursting inside and I need him to know. I must be brave. Please God, give me the strength to tell him how I feel. I don't care if he doesn't feel the same way. I just want him to know.

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Dear Diary,

I feel as if my world has ended. Tonight I wanted to tell Terry that I loved him, but it wasn't meant to be. He left early from the party to meet someone. Now I know who it was. Her name is Candy. She came tonight at the hotel looking for him after the play. I don't know how I had the strength to look at her in the face and lie. I hope Terry will forgive me, but I can't bear to share him with anyone. What was it about this girl that he liked? She looked like a simple girl. Her gown was torn and she looked as if she had been walking all night. I felt a bit of sympathy because I know how she must feel about Terry. I am sure that she loves him. Only another woman in love can sense this. She loves him....my Terry. How can God let this happen? Terry and I were suppose to be together. Now there is another woman to come between us. Does he love her? If he does, why aren't they together? Maybe they are only friends, but something tells me it's more. I am crazy with jealousy because I've never seen Terry behave with such earnest to meet someone. Now I know. Maybe those faraway looks were spent thinking of her. I can't bear the thought of losing Terry to her. We're leaving for New York tomorrow. I don't want them to meet. They must not meet or I will lose him for sure.

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Dear Diary,

I can't win! There's no hope for me and Terry together. He loves her! I told him I loved him tonight and he tells me he loves her--Candy! She had been writing to him from Chicago since we left. I didn't realize how strong their bond was. He reads her letters in private as if he is was sharing a special moment with only her. I couldn't believe I am jealous of a stupid letter! Tonight, the letter fell from his jacket and it was from Candy. I couldn't bear it any longer so I told him how I felt about him. I could tell he couldn't believe what he was hearing. I confessed everything to him...how I fell in love with him the first time we met, how I lied to Candy and kept the knowledge from him that she was at the hotel looking for him. But his face told me all that I needed to know. He doesn't love me. He will probably never love me...the way he loves her. Oh, how I hate her right now! I hate my life right now! How can I go on living knowing Terry will never me mine?

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Dear Diary,

This will be my last entry. If anyone reads this, please know that what I have done, I did it for Terry---so that he may be happy with Candy. My life, my very existence is causing him so much pain. I can't bear to see the guilt in his eyes every time he visits me in the hospital. I know how hurt he must be, but what can I do? I don't want his pity! He will only stay with me out of pity...and how can I bear that? I know that he loves only Candy and that Candy is the only one who can make him happy. I want him to be happy--even if it means I can't be with him. But I don't want to be alive knowing this. Mother, if you are reading this, please understand that I had to end my life. I love you very much and I don't want to cause you pain either with my existence the way it is. I will only be a burden to you. You and Terry were the only ones I truly loved and this is my sacrifice to the both of you. Terry, please be happy. I only want this for you.

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Dear Diary,

This is the happiest night of my life! Terry has chosen me over Candy! I can't believe it! I have Terry by my side now and from now on...thanks to Candy. She came to the hospital and saved me tonight from killing myself. I was feeling so foolish and hopeless...she helped me to see that my life is worth more. She even sacrificed her love for Terry so that he and I can be together. I thought I loved Terry more, but now I know she loved him just as much. But I need him more and being a nurse, she probably understood this and felt sorry for me. I begged her to let Terry go and I can't believe that she gave him up. I don't think I would have been that kind. I feel so bad that I was unkind to her, but my love for Terry is all that I know. He is my life, my whole world. Without him, I don't want to go on living...and now he is mine...thanks to Candy. And now I know why he loves her so. I could tell that the break-up was painful for Terry. After she left, he stood for a long time looking out the window of my bedroom. He was probably watching her walk away, or maybe he was hoping she would turn around and return to him. I wish I knew his thoughts at that moment. I told Terry that it wasn't too late to go back for her. I was feeling a bit guilty because I couldn't bear to see him in such pain. But he looked at me...for the first time...he really looked seriously at me...and said he chose me! He chose me over Candy! I've never felt so happy and alive in my life! As long as Terry is by my side, I can endure the way that I am--having only one leg. Sometimes the loss of my limb is unbearable to me. Sometimes I forget I don't have it anymore and I believe that it's still there. Then I realize the loss of it every time I try to stand and I fall. I feel so incomplete and ugly. How can anyone love a woman with such a handicap? I'm so sorry Terry that I must force you to endure this inadequacy about me. But I know you don't care about that. I shall forever remember the tender way you carried me in your arms back to my room. You never said a word to Candy when you came up to the roof and saw us together. I know you were shocked and hurt that Candy saw us together. Perhaps you were ashamed. But being in your arms...it made me feel like living again, and being without you is more painful than anything I can ever think of. I hope one day you can learn to love me the way you love Candy. I hope you can forget her and think of our future together. Now that Candy has given you up, there is noone to stand between us. I shall do my best to show my love for you, Terry so that you will never regret your choice.

©(1999) MsCandyEmma