Chapter 3

Candy, Erin and the other 4 nurses from St Joan’s hospital, boarded the train to New York on Monday evening and after an uncomfortable and rather boring but otherwise uneventful journey, arrived in New York on Tuesday morning. St Vincent’s had arranged transportation for them so they were picked up and taken to the hospital soon after their arrival at Grand Central station.

Candy had spent the train ride trying to act naturally, chatting and joking with the other girls but even so she had spent a sleepless, restless night agonizing about how she was going to spend 3 months in New York and avoid seeing Terry. She knew she was fighting a lost battle however, when she caught herself, after all the other girls had dozed off, poring over a map of the city, tracing her finger over the way from the hospital to the theatre, from the dorms to the theatre, from the dorms to Terry’s old place - even though she didn’t really know whether he still occupied the little flat - and from Central Park, which would probably be the only place she could go if she wanted to get away from it all, to the theatre again. Frustrated beyond reason she threw it aside only to pick it up again a few minutes later and staring at the distances again.

Another proof that her plan of staying away from him would fail miserably was presented to her as soon as she stepped at the station: despite of herself she had actually looked around over the crowd as if she was expecting to see him waiting for her and momentarily she felt like jumping back on the train and beg the driver to take her back to Chicago at once. As her vision started to get clouded by what could only be tears, she dropped her head and walked as fast as she could out of the station and into their waiting carriage hoping to escape the onslaught of attacking memories.

She tried to concentrate on settling in after that. As she had agreed with Albert she talked with the director of the hospital about her and Erin staying at the dorms only for a couple of days until her New York apartment was ready to accommodate them and Percy. Luckily the director agreed without asking too many questions. In the meantime, she and Erin would have to share a room in the dorms. Both girls were very excited about this.

During the train ride, Candy had asked Erin whether she wanted to come and live with her in the apartment instead of the dorm.

“Gosh, let me think”, Erin had said with mock bewilderment all over her face. “What do I want, live in a tiny dorm in some poorly lit building at the back of a hospital or in a luxurious apartment in Park Avenue, New York’s most upper class street? Hmm… This is really a tough one Candy! I think I need another millisecond to think about it… uh… yeah, I think I prefer the flat!”

Candy loved Erin’s sense of humor and her joie de vivre could only match her own at her happier times. Vivacious, outgoing, impossibly thin, with countless freckles upon her face and arms and shoulder length board-straight red hair, Erin was a typical Irish girl. Candy sometimes had trouble understanding what Erin was saying not only because of her distinct Irish accent but also because she was speaking incredibly fast, something that Erin informed her was quite common in Ireland. In fact, Erin would sometimes joke that being the youngest in her family and having spent more years in the States than in Ireland, she was considered to have something of a speech impairment as she was speaking slower than any of them. Candy had often wondered what it would be like to spend an afternoon with Erin and her Irish family, but after reflecting upon the subject for a while, she had decided she did not feel quite ready to find out.

After they had settled in, they were given instructions about the hospital and their shift schedules. They also learned that on October 31st, Halloween, the hospital was hosting a masquerade ball at the Astoria, a charity gala designed to provide the hospital with much needed cash. There would be different events during the evening, like costume prizes, an auction were attending celebrities would donate a personal item and guests would be able to bid for it, etc – all proceeds would be in aid of the hospital of course. The hospital, they were informed, had made special arrangements and shift schedules had been adjusted so that all brought in nurses would be able to attend. This piece of news excited greatly the young nurses but did little to raise Candy’s dampened spirits.

In the afternoon, they were free to do whatever they wanted. Erin said she would go exploring the area and the shops around the hospital. Candy, dressed warmly against the October chill, decided to take a stroll in Central Park, so she jumped in a carriage and had the driver take her there. She strolled slowly by the lake watching the birds in their preparations to turn in for the night and inevitably wondered how Percy was. The bird had stolen her heart completely and she was missing him already. She had spent every spare moment she had the day before with him, feeding him from her hand or her plate and talking to him about everything and nothing. She had decided she could not wait till next weekend to see him again and so Dorothy would travel to New York with him in two days time, at which point they would all move to the apartment. She could not wait to see him and hoped he would not have forgotten her already.

She sat down on the grass by the edge of the lake looking around her taking everything in. The late afternoon sun, playing hide and seek with several sinister looking clouds and the impossibly tall buildings that were the trademark of this city in order to remain visible for a little while longer, was painting the city and the park with the most amazing colors. Candy marveled at the beauty in front of her and of course the first thought she had was whether Terry was somewhere admiring the same spectacle; she dismissed the idea quickly however: he would probably be getting ready for his evening performance. She knew he was still playing Hamlet. Originally scheduled to run only for six months, the play had been so successful the producers had decided to continue with the show for six additional months. People were still flocking in to see it.

The thought hit her all of a sudden: he was at the theatre… just a few blocks away from where she was sitting …

“Oh Terry…” she whispered.

And as if his name was an incantation of immeasurable power, a devastatingly overwhelming impulse to jump up and run the distance to Broadway… to him… overtook her. The pulling force was such that she found it totally impossible to restrain herself and she desperately clutched on fistfuls of grass next to her hoping the grass’s attachment to the earth will keep her rooted to her spot too… breathing heavily while trying to control her racing heartbeat, she called forth whatever remnants of reason she still had telling herself as sternly as her state would allow her that going there would be really, really stupid… even so, next thing she knew she was marching towards the street as if she was possessed and jumped into a carriage on her way to the theater, having no memory of taking the decision to follow through with her impulse…

She called herself stupid and every other name she could think of countless of times during her ride, yet she found herself incapable of asking the driver to turn back. She had no idea why she was doing this or what she would do when she’d get to the theater. She couldn’t possibly hope she would see him… even though her desire to see him was threatening to consume her.

She got out of the carriage at Times Square and started walking towards the theater hoping the evening air would clear her mind a bit and stop her from doing anything ridiculously stupid. By this time the sun had set allowing the thousand of lights in the street to create their own inimitable spectacle. It was drizzling lightly also but as it was known it would take a lot to dampen this New York’s spirits. Like the last time she had been here, Candy couldn’t help but marveled at the amount of people in the streets and their flamboyant way of dressing. She had no time to delve further into the city’s idiosyncrasies however for another memory flashed in her mind: how she had walked alone this very street in the middle of a snowstorm one night, two years earlier… when she had felt that the whole world had come crushing around her… she had felt so desperately alone that night…

She shook her head vigorously to push the memory away. She looked around her for a diversion and it came in the form of a gigantic photo of Eleanor Baker outside the Majestic, which reminded Candy that she had promised Archie to acquire tickets for her show for some weekend before Christmas so that he and Annie could visit and they could all go see it. Making a mental note to return as soon as possible, she continued walking down the busy street until she finally reached the Stratford. Dozens of people were gathered at the entrance and the foyer – obviously the show was a sell out.

Candy stood by a lamppost at the pavement across the entrance of the theatre and looked up at the photo of Terry adorning the top part of the building’s facade. Tiny raindrops were dancing in the glow of the bright lights framing Terry’s Hamlet sad face and the humid air was creating a light mist, giving him a ghostly expression. Her heart tightened at the sight of him and she wished she could touch him… at the same time she felt immeasurable pride for him and his achievement.

“You made it, Terry… you did it! You are living your dream…”

She quickly wiped a runaway tear without taking her eyes off his photo. Memories of the last time she had been there came crushing down on her and she shivered as image after image flashed in rapid succession through her mind: sitting at the foyer listening to rumors that Terry was being asked to marry Susanna… standing at the hospital roof pulling Susanna back and stopping her from killing herself; Terry standing on the roof with Susanna in his arms looking for all the world like an old man; meeting Susanna in her room, Susanna crying telling her that the only thing that kept her alive was Terry; saying goodbye to him, his face when he told her to be happy or he would not forgive her…this particular memory was flashing through her head time and again. She had only looked at him for one second to wish him the same thing; but the look on his face had been etched in her memory and had haunted her dreams – and nightmares since. It was the look of a man that had unwillingly resigned to an unfortunate and undesirable fate.

She compared for a moment the Terry she left at the hospital that night, with the Terry she knew from St Paul’s Academy. She quickly decided there was no comparing the two: it was as if they were two different people. Even as she had met him at the station the day before, despite him being obviously preoccupied, she had recognized in him the boy she fell in love with on New Year’s Eve in the middle of the North Atlantic two years earlier. He was the same Terry, her Terry still… But just over 24 hours later, that boy had disappeared, leaving in its place a man whose rebellious attitude, free spirit and determination to live life on his own terms had been bended under the unbearably heavy load of forced duty and obligation.

Seeing him like that, it had taken all of Candy’s strength to walk out of that hospital leaving him behind that night. It had taken all her strength to remain standing and not collapsing while doing so also. It had taken even more strength to carry out her decision and not turn around and run back to him. She had convinced herself she was doing it to make things easier for him, so he wouldn’t have to choose between her and his duty. The truth was that deep down she had known that had Terry been given the choice he would have chosen to stay with Susanna. Candy was only too aware of how high his sense of duty was – he would have never turned his back on it no matter what it would cost him and she loved him all the more for it. But she was also hurting too much already, she really had not wanted to hear him say he chose Susanna - it would have killed her. So she had left him before he would leave her…

But leaving him had felt like ripping a piece of her soul and leaving it in one place while she would have to go and spend a half life in another. The whole situation had made her physically sick and she hardly ever got sick; she went through such emotional turmoil she has never been the same since… and will never be the same again. So much so that two years later she was miserably happy to just stand under his photo and state at him.

She might been avoiding to see him but she desperately wanted to know how he was really doing. She had not heard anything about him having an alcohol problem anymore, although she had stopped reading the gossip columns of magazines; her friends rarely would mention Terry in front of her and at times she wondered whether there was some sort of unspoken agreement among them that she was not aware of, to this effect. So how was he today? After spending almost a year in self-destruction and another year recovering from that, was he back to his own self, if that was even possible? Had he reconciled with the fact that he will have to live his life following the set rules he detested so? Had he married Susanna already? Were they starting a family? Where they happy together? Did he love Susanna… the way he loved her, Candy? The last thought caused her chest to tighten. “Don’t be like that Candy”, she berated herself. “If he is happy, be happy for him. If he has found love again, be happy for him. Isn’t that what you said you would do that day you saw him at Rockstone?” Yes, that’s what she had said she would do but… she realized that being happy for him would not make her stop hurting or stop her from envying Susanna.

Nothing would ever make her stop envying Susanna. She loved him still and her heart was still in pieces over loosing him – too many sleepless nights and bitter tears were testament to that. Time is a good medicine for a broken heart, it is said, but 2 years later hers was still shuttered. How long would it take to mend? How long will she have to live with this agonizing longing for him weighting her soul? Will it ever cease to exist? And how can she go through life pining for someone that is not available to her? She wanted to have a family eventually, have children… would she be able to love someone else enough to fulfill this dream of hers? She felt the tears blurring her vision again and blinked several times to clear them but in vain.

In a moment of self-inflicting misery, she allowed herself to think what it would have been like had she stayed with him. They would be sharing his apartment the same way she had shared hers with Albert during his amnesia; they would be spending every spare time they had together; she would have been going to the theatre every evening to watch him, she should have been knowing all the lines of Ophelia and Hamlet by now; perhaps they would have been married already, perhaps they would have been starting a family, perhaps they would have been happy…

She was almost sobbing now and she sighed shaking her head to clear it from the painful thoughts, but instantly another one crossed her mind: was he ever thinking about her the way she thought about him? Did he remember her at all for that matter or had he put everything of the past away and had purposely ‘forgotten’ even her name? She still did not know which would be more painful to her, to learn that he had forgotten her or to find out that he was as miserable over losing her as she was over losing him.

So many questions she wished she knew the answers to! Or did she? Maybe it would be better if she didn’t. She realized she was not making any sense even to herself. She still felt so confused. Maybe it would make her hurt if she knew he was happy but perhaps it could also make her accept that she could not be with him and finally be able to put this whole part of her life behind her and move on. Albert and Sister Maria had been right: she should face her past and come to terms with it before she would be able to move on to the future. If she wanted to get through 3 months in New York without going crazy, and more importantly resume her life and make her dreams a reality in the future, she had to face her demons first.

She did not know how long she stood there staring at his photo lost in thought but it must have been a long time because she realized the back of her neck was hurting pretty badly; and next time she looked at the entrance of the theatre it was empty – the show must have started already. It hit her all of a sudden that this was the closest she’d been to Terry since that night in Rockstone and another wave of desire to see him overtook her. Heart beating madly she took a decision on the spot: she might not be able to go through a face to face meeting with him just yet, but she could go and see him… he would never know. She took a deep breath, crossed the street resolutely, and entered the theatre.

The man at the tickets office was very polite.

“Can I help you, Miss?”

“I… uhm… would like a ticket for the show please” she stammered.

“I am afraid we are sold out tonight…”

“No, not tonight, I am not even properly dressed”, she laughed nervously. “When do you have an opening for?”

“How many tickets?”

“Just the one…”

The man consulted a big book resting on his desk, then shook his head sadly. “I am very much afraid that there is no opening at all till the end of the show in January. I am sorry to disappoint you, but I will not be able to help you”.

Candy was indeed very disappointed and lowered her head, inwardly cursing her bad luck. But maybe it was for the best, she thought. Despite wanting to so badly, she was not sure at all she would be able to cope with seeing him on stage for 2 hours. It’s probably for the best, she thought again.

At that moment thunderous applause could be heard from the auditorium and she looked up again.

“Hamlet’s opening scene”, the man informed her, seeing the question in her face. “The audience always goes wild when Terrence first gets on stage.”

An idea formed into her head suddenly. Surely Albert wouldn’t mind…

“Uhm… I am Candice Wh… I mean, I am Candice Ardlay”, she said producing her ID for him. “I would really like to see this show. Could you please check again if there is anyway you could help me?” “Any night, just any night at all” she thought, but felt it would be better if she did not appear to be begging for it at this stage. She would make sure she was off work this time come rain or high water.

She was amazed at what the Ardlay name could do. Upon seeing her name on her card the man had politely excused himself and disappeared behind a door only to return seconds later with a second man at his heels.

“Miss Ardlay”, said the second man shaking her hand gallantly. “What a pleasure to have you here.”

The man introduced himself as Mr. Harris, the theatre director. Candy adopted her most upper class ladylike manner and nodded at him slightly, the way she had seen Mrs. Rangan in the past greeting her not so familiar guests. For the first time in her life she thanked God for the time she had spent at the Rangan’s.

“When is it that you would like to come Miss Ardlay?” Mr. Harris asked then.

Candy was getting ready to say whenever they had an opening again but stopped herself in time. Mrs. Rangan would not have been so accommodating.

“As soon as possible really” she said raising an eyebrow. She kept one hand at chest level, caressing her fingertips with her thump hoping she was looking impervious while secretly wishing that neither Mr. Harris nor the ticket seller would notice her mud-covered shoes.

“Of course, Miss Ardlay. Dennis, check how soon can Miss Ardlay attend, please.”

Dennis, at the ticket box pored over his book again, Mr. Harris over his shoulders. Candy arranged her face so that she looked bored.

Who would have thought that the time she spent when she first went to the Rangan’s almost 10 years earlier watching Mrs. Rangan would have come in handy? She suddenly thought of what Terry would say if he could see her now pretending to be a lady at the foyer of his theater; she felt her cheeks blushing at the thought and she almost laughed but stopped herself in time again. This thought however reminded her again that Terry was only yards away from her and she figured if the wall behind Dennis could disappear for just a second she would be able to see him.

It was this thought that threatened to blow her cover, and so to get over her emotions she started coughing as if the men’s delay in finding her a suitable date was not amusing her anymore.

Candy then had even more fun watching the two men falling over themselves to enquire about her cough and whether she would like them to bring her a glass of water.

“All I would like you to bring me is tickets for this show as soon as possible!” She said in a tone she would have never thought possible mimicking.

They both bend over the book again then Mr. Harris lifted his head and looked at her anxiously.

“We could fit you in, on December 6th” he said.

Candy thought she ought to feel lucky they could get her something at all but she was now having too much fun with this. So she raised an eyebrow again and pursed her lips while trying to arrange her face to what she hoped it would be a displeased look.

“Hmm…” was the only sound she thought would be a match to her facial expression.

Mr. Harris pored over Dennis’ book again sharply.

“I could get used to this”, Candy thought. She had a vision suddenly of her saying her name and hundreds of doors opening left, right and center for her all at once.

“Ah yes, I think we can accommodate you in about 10 days Miss Ardlay,” Mr. Harris said again clearly delighted with his efficiency this time.

“You think or you can?” she said coldly. “Don’t push it, idiot!”

“I am actually certain we can”, he said bowing slightly at her. “Thursday, October 15th. How is that date for you Miss Ardlay?”

“I suppose it will have to do.”

“I shall personally make sure your box is ready and available to you, Miss Ardlay.”

A box? A whole box? “Please do, thank you.”

“Will it be only you attending or will you be entertaining guests?” Mr. Harris asked next.

Candy had a mental image of herself and the other nurses from St. Joan’s hospital marching merrily through this foyer to the Ardlay box in their nurse’s uniforms.

“I…” she cleared her throat to stop herself from laughing. “I will have guests I am not sure of the number…”

Well, you have 8 seats in the box, you can use them as you please”, Mr. Harris informed her.

“8 seats? Five minutes ago you did not have one, now you are giving me 8?” Candy wasn’t sure this was making sense to her, but she desperately wanted those tickets so she kept any comments to herself.

“Thank you”, she nodded again slightly. She wondered what would Mrs. Rangan say about payment but Mr. Harris did not seem to be bothered by that detail.

“Dennis issue the tickets, please” he said and then turned to Candy again. “Would you be requiring a carriage, Miss Ardlay?”

“Yes thank you”, she replied although she was not sure if he meant whether she wanted a carriage now to take her home or on the night of the show.

“Dennis will get a carriage for you as soon as he issues the tickets.”

So it was for tonight then!

“What a pleasure it was to have you here tonight Miss Ardlay”, Mr. Harris bowed again and she offered him her hand. She shook his slightly again nodding politely.

“We are very much looking forward to seeing you on the 15th, Miss Ardlay”.

“Ah, thank you”, she nodded again and turned her attention to Dennis who at that moment was handing her the tickets.

"Mission accomplished”, she thought. “Euh… you know what to do about the bill, I presume?”

“Of course, Miss Ardlay we wouldn’t want you to be worried about that.”

“Of course”, she said and smiled as if she was satisfied with his efficiency.

Mr. Harris then signaled to Dennis who got out of his box and out the front doors so fast it wasn’t ordinary.

“This way, Miss Ardlay. Dennis will get you a carriage.”

“Oh, thank you” she said yet again not knowing what else to say. She followed him out and down the steps to where Dennis was already holding the door to a carriage open for her. Mr. Harris shook her hand again and bid her good evening and Dennis bowed lowly then offered his hand to help her get into the carriage. He then shut the door behind her.

Dennis’s face appeared on the window next to her just as she was getting ready to take a deep sigh of relief and switch back to plain Candy mode again.

“Where to, Miss? So I can tell the driver.”

Good question, Dennis!

“I… am actually visiting a friend”, she started. “She… uh… lives near St. Vincent’s hospital so just tell him to take me to the Hospital and then I will …uh… find it from there. Uh… thank you.”

If Dennis found this weird he did not show it. “You are welcome Miss. Good evening to you”.

“And to you”.

The carriage started going finally and Candy after a last glance at Terry’s photo above the entrance, sat back and heaved the sigh she was holding for the past 10 minutes. But before she had time to recover another thought hit her. She did not have enough money with her to cover the whole ride having spent most of the little money she was carrying in the rides first to the park then to the theatre. She hit her forehead with her palm a few times then looked out of the window trying to think what to do. To her relief she saw they were outside a big department store and it was fortunately still open. She called to the driver to stop and she got out of the carriage.

“Sorry” she said, “but I… well since I am here I will do some shopping too.” She paid him and he asked her if she would like him to wait for her. “No, thank you”, she said, then added “I will be fine”, mostly to reassure herself. As it was however, she was far from fine: she had very little money, she was rather far from the hospital and she would have to walk thought the drizzle and the darkness there! She thanked goodness she had spent the previous night studying the map of the city, for at least now she had an idea - albeit rather vague - about which way to go.

Chapter 4 (to be continued)