Part 3

Terry stepped out in the street and stood resting his hands on his hips while taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He was still shaking from the latest confrontation with Susanna but he hoped this was the last one and that he would never have to have another one with her – although deep down he knew that was wishful thinking on his part.

While his mother was giving instructions to her driver to take Terry’s luggage to her house, Terry lit a cigarette trying to figure out when had that day turned from one of great anticipation for a relaxing trip to the Caribbean, to the one he had found out he was married to Candy (he still couldn’t grasp that fact in its entirety!), to the one he had been avoiding for the past year: the day he would have to tell Susanna that he would leave her and get back with Candy; and that was the easy part: trying to reason with her and make her understand that this would be the best thing for all three of them – now that was the real challenge!

Terry had actually made up his mind for a while that this was what he wanted to do and how he preferred to live his life; but he had known Susanna would be deliberately unreasonable about it and would throw tantrum after tantrum after tantrum as if the end of the world had come; hence he had kept putting off talking to her, while trying at the same time to find the best way to handle her reaction to his decision. This had been the main reason why he had been so determined to take that trip to, and that lousy job in, the Caribbean. He had been hoping that while he would be away, some solution would present itself, something he had not himself thought of so far that would make it easier for her. She might have been driving him insane with her constant moaning and whining about everything; he might have not been able to stand the very sight of her at times, but the girl had still saved his life and he felt that he owed her. She might have never considered his feeling – or lack thereof, but he couldn’t help it, he didn’t want her to be unhappy… especially because of him.

As it had turned out earlier that day, the solution had appeared to them via the mail. The arrival of the certificate that was informing them of his marriage to Candy, aside from giving him a headache trying to remember how and when had that happened, had also given him the edge he needed to actually speak to Susanna clearly about his plans when she had pushed the matter further. For, he now knew, it was too optimistic of him to hope to make a quick exit after their initial confrontation about it. Susanna had been determined to at least try to get her way and caught up with him while he was hauling the heavy suitcases towards the front door. In her haste to catch up with him she had lost one of her crutches – the wrong one – she was bumping on furniture and she would have fallen hard on her face had his mother not rushed to her aid. She had brushed Eleanor off quickly, had “run” to him awkwardly and had hung with a death grip from his neck.

“Don’t go, Terry, don’t go, please…” she had pleaded crying. Obviously she had figured out that the angry attitude wasn’t getting her anywhere and she had changed it to her usual ‘whining-him-to-insanity’ one. “Let’s have a lawyer deal with this, they can have the marriage annulled in no time without us getting involved… As you said it might even be a fake…”

He had just wanted to get out of there at that time and her latest outburst had only made him more prone to lose his patience with her. “You don’t understand one thing Susanna!” he had said angrily. “This”, he had waved the certificate under her nose irritably, “didn’t change much where you and I were concerned! It matters not whether it’s real or not! It matters not whether I am going to the Caribbean or to Chicago! Fact remains, I am leaving today and there is now an even bigger possibility than before that I won’t be coming back in this place!”

“What do you mean?” she had said.

“You are not as dumb as you are pretending to be, work it out yourself. Now please let me go, I have a train to catch” he had said coldly, making a vain attempt to escape her clutches. She had latched on and would not let go.

“Terry, don’t… do this… to us…” she could hardly speak for sobbing.

“There is no “us” Susanna, there has never been “us” it was all in your head from the beginning! I tried to make you understand this early but you didn’t… ”

“It was not in my head… How can you say that? … I loved you from the first moment I saw you… I still do… more than anything…”

“But I don’t love you, dammit, how many times do you need to hear it before you can get it in your head?! I love someone else and no matter what I do I cannot make myself love you… I cannot make myself love upon command any more than you can, why can’t you understand that?” He would have been unable to disguise the exasperation in his voice had he tried.

“Because I love you… I know you don’t love me, darling… and I know that you are unhappy but… I also know we can be very happy Terry if only we can stay together… I know it… it might take some time but we will be…” she blurred out sobbing in earnest.

“How long time Susanna?” he had asked wearily.

“It doesn’t matter to me… I can wait forever if I have to!”

“But it does matter to me! I don’t want to spend ‘forever’ trying to squeeze out feelings I don’t have – it has already started to wear me out! I have tried for the past year to make myself see you the way you want me to see you but it just doesn’t work that way… and if it hasn’t worked so far, it is most unlikely it will work in the future. The only feelings I have for you are pity and contempt, and as far as I know, no one ever managed to turn those to love”.

She had shaken her head vigorously, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the truth of his words. “My love is enough to get us both going… even if you don’t ever love me… it will be enough for me that you will be by my side… but I will make you happy, I know I can, you’ll see, I am certain one day we…”

“The only thing that will happen for certain one day is that you will realize that you were wrong all along and that it was all a waste of time. And you don’t want me to be around that day because when you tell me, “oh, you were right Terry, it didn’t work out… oh well!” I am going to be seriously pissed! Neither you nor anybody else will be able to give me back the wasted time… or to you for that matter! So, I am getting out of this while I still have the chance to put some order into my life… and besides, it’s not like I have a choice anymore…”

“You are wrong, it won’t be wasted, I’ll make sure it won’t, and you still have a choice, you can have that stupid marriage annulled and stay with me…”

Terry had shaken his head disappointed. It had seemed impossible that she would allow herself to see reason and he had been wasting his time. He had made another attempt to get away from her grasp.

“I see you are determined to be unreasonable to the bitter end, I won’t even try anymore… Step out of my way please, I have to go…”

“NO! I won’t let you go anywhere, especially to her!” She had lost her balance and it had taken Terry a few seconds to realize that she had tried to stamp her missing foot.

“It will do you no good yelling, I am leaving Susanna!” he had told her as assertively as he could after he had steadied her again.

“Why are you being so stubborn?” she had yelled at him.

“I am being stubborn?” Terry had said incredulously. “It’s not me who’s refusing to see reason here!”

“I love you Terry…” she had sobbed again.

“If you do, you will step out of my way this minute…”

“I will do no such thing…” she had yelled angrily through heavy sobs. “I told you before I won’t let anyone take you away from me… particularly Candy! I won’t fall for her tricks and let her get between us…”

“There is that ‘us’ again! And you should be one to talk, you had not qualms getting between Candy and I, and there actually WAS an ‘us’ there!!! And I had even tried to warn you about it too but, as usual, you ignored me!”

“I did because I wanted to fight for us, because I wanted to give us a chance at happiness… what else other than love would you call that?”

“Audacity?” Eleanor’s voice had carried clearly over Susanna’s cries even though it had been barely louder than a whisper. Terry had shot his mother an angry look for interfering and she had returned it with one of pretended innocence that clearly said ‘sorry, I watched this parody long enough and just couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer’.

Susanna had turned to her still teary faced but looking very angry. A fight between a hysterical Susanna and his fed up with this whole sham of a situation mother would have been remarkably amusing – another time! Right then, Terry had just wanted to get out of there.

“You know, you really should be a bit more respectful towards me, I…” Susanna had started but she hadn’t gone far.

“Respect is something you earn, not demand” Eleanor had cut in, her voice even, “and in fact the more you demand it the less you get. And I have none for you anyway, so I suggest…”

“You… ungrateful…” Susanna had hissed boiling with rage, but Eleanor had waved a dismissive hand, looking weary.

“Don’t try to make me feel guilty, Susanna, it won’t work. I feel infinitely indebted to you for saving my son’s life… and doubly so for had something happened to him that day, it would have been my undoing too… and I am very appreciative to you, in ways you shall never know – or willingly acknowledge were you to find out. But that doesn’t mean I have to like you or pretend to be nice to you. I prefer not to act away from the stage, so I suggest you drop that attitude with me, it won’t get you anywhere!”

“How can you let her talk to me like this?” Susanna had demanded of Terry, shaking with anger and embarrassment.

“Oh? You can be blatantly rude and downright spiteful to her but she cannot be bluntly honest with you?”

“But Terry…”

“Enough of this… ENOUGH!” he had yelled. He had looked at his mother meaningfully and she, answering his silent plea had turned around and disappeared in the sitting room. He had then lifted Susanna despite her protests, carried her to her bedroom and set her on the bed.

Susanna had started sobbing again. “Quit it, it’s getting tiring already!” Terry poured her a glass of water but as he offered it to her, she brushed it out of his hands angrily sending it shattering on the floor, splashing the carpet.

“Fine!” he had yelled seriously annoyed with her attitude. “I was going to stay with you for a few minutes till you calm down, but if you are going to be like this you can stay here alone and sulk, I’m out of here!” He had then walked out of the room ignoring her cries.

“You can’t leave me, Terry! I can’t live without you… I will not… you are all I care about…”

He had shut the door behind him and had leaned against it shutting his eyes, his stomach tied in a tight knot at her last words. This had been the part he dreaded the most. He could handle her fits most of the time, but threats about harming herself were getting to him. He never knew how serious they were but since she had tried it in the past he could never be certain she wouldn’t try it again. And how would he live with himself if she ever hurt herself because of him, he could not fathom.

“She will be fine, Terry”. He had turned to face his anxious looking mother; he had not heard her approaching. He had looked at her for a few minutes but hadn’t answered her. Fearful Susanna might do something to harm herself, he had then turned and had walked decisively to the kitchen where he had given specific instructions to the maid to go camp by Susanna’s side and not let her out of her sight not even when either of them would need to use the restroom, till her mother would return home later that afternoon.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let her get to me,” Eleanor had apologized when he had met her back in the hallway.

Terry had shaken his head dismissively. “I just want to get out of here” was all he had said.

She had nodded and picking up one of his luggage she had started dragging it out of the apartment and out on the street and Terry had finally breathed with relief.

Part 4 (to be continued)