Albert and the Chipie
Albert meets up with Susanna at a charity event at New York’s prestigious Waldorf Astoria.
A: Oh! Miss Susanna Marlowe, is it not?
S: Yes indeed! And… you are?
A: William Albert Ardley
S: The billionaire?
A: The very same!
S: Oh! Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir!
A: Likewise! I’ve heard a lot about you!
S: (with self satisfied smile) All of them good, I’m sure!
A: Of course! You know Candy she never talks ill of anybody!
S: (sourly) Candy? What is she to you?
A: She is my daughter! (Susanna raises an eyebrow in surprise) Well, my adopted daughter!
S: (seemingly indifferent) Oh… I didn’t know…
A: It’s true! She is now my only child and heiress… and she has been really down lately I fear she may be getting depressed… so I thought I’d buy her a present to cheer her up! And I was hoping you’d be able to help me out!
S: (surprised) I don’t see how I could be of help with this.
A: Easy. I’m here to buy Terry off you.
S: Excuse me???
A: You heard me. So were I to make you an offer of…say 10 million dollars to get the hell … I mean to disappear from his life, would you be willing to consider it?
S: (incredulously) I cannot believe what I’m hearing!!! I love Terry Mr. Ardlay, I am not about to sell him for 10 million dollars, no way!!!
A: (calmly) 15 millions!
A: 25 millions?
S: You have to be kidding me!!! You, a billionaire 3 times over, you offer me 25 millions to give up my fiancé as if he was some cheap object!
A: OK, Miss Marlowe, name your price then. I am sure we can reach an agreement.
S: (Thinks about it for a few seconds) I find your proposal indecent Mr. Ardlay but were I to give Terry up – I hate to say sell him, you understand – it would not come cheap to you! As I already said to you I love Terry deeply and he is VERY valuable to me Mr. Ardlay…
A: Your price then Miss Marlowe…
S: 50 million up front…
S: …and 50 million in stokes and shares…
A: Of course!
S: …plus 5 millions monthly allowance for life…
S: …a 3 storey house in Upper East Side in my name…
A: Consider it done!
S: … 5 bedroom flats in London…
S:… and Paris…
A: Uh ha!
S: … a summer Villa in Tuscany…
A: Anything else?
S: … a yacht for my summer cruises…
A: Anything for the winter?
S: Oh yes! A chalet in Verbier!
A: Is that all?
S: I believe that would be all, indeed!
A: OK! Consider it done!
S: All of it???
A: Every penny!
S: You are pulling my leg!
A: I wouldn’t dare! I’ll have a contract drawn tomorrow and then George will bring it by your house for your signature. If you think anything else you’d like to add by then, by all means tell him and he will add it.
S: You cannot be serious!
A: I’m dead serious Miss Marlowe. All this can be yours tomorrow! Only condition is, you let Terry go and you don’t go anywhere near him ever again within a 20 miles radius!
S: But… but…
A: No buts! If you want this deal, my man here will escort you back to your place at once!
S: I have to say goodbye to him and tell him … I can’t just disappear all of a sudden he will be so upset and will miss me and…
A: Oh, I think we will be able to find a way to console him…
S: Well… I guess then… I…
A: Brilliant! I knew we would agree, didn’t I tell you? (turns to George) George, would you please see this lady back to her home safely?
S: How did you know? That we would agree I mean…
A: Even the most valuable object has its price Miss Marlowe, I knew you’d name yours no matter how high.
S: True, it’s a bit high! But I know the value of things Mr. Ardley…
A: You do, do you?
S: I do indeed! Terry is worth a lot of money, he is a fine specimen…
A: I don’t doubt it! In any case he will make my daughter very happy therefore he is worth every penny. I am sure she will appreciate him and enjoy him to the fullest…
S: (after thinking for a few seconds, then with a wicked expression) Where is Candy?
A: Over there, why?
S: I need to talk to her.
A: No, that’s not part of the deal.
S: No it isn’t therefore I can talk to her!
A: You tell me what about or there is no deal!
S: (triumphantly) Well, you see Mr. Ardlay, you may have adopted her but in essence, she is still a poor little village girl that has no idea about how much anything costs! Since all this money are now mine, I bet I can buy Terry off her easily for the fraction of the price you paid! Then I can have him and the money too!
A: (laughs kindly) Is that all? You can try it if you wish Miss Marlowe, but I can assure you it won’t work. You won’t be able to buy him off Candy.
S: Oh really, why not?
A: Well, you see Miss Marlowe, despite swearing that you love him, to you Terry was nothing more than a beloved and very valuable object of your affection and therefore had his price which albeit high, you named. To Candy, he is her soul mate, her true love – therefore priceless! And she loves him truly and deeply so you will find he is not for sale by her! Good evening to you, Miss Marlowe. George!
Two chandeliers, 7 windows and 3 full-length mirrors shattered from the Chipie’s banshee-like drown out shriek. The Waldorf sent the bill to her for the damages and about 35 people send her their medical bills – 11 for burst eardrums, the rest for minor injuries from the glass shards. She spent the rest of her days admiring, loving and counting her money.
Albert went back to his apartment, and after downing 5 Jack Daniel shots one after the other changed his tuxedo for his usual blue pants, green jacket, boots, red scarf and backpack and took off at once for a 10-year trek from Cape Town in South Africa to the top of the Himalayas and back – then back again on foot, to get over the shock of handing over to the Chipie such a ridiculous amount of money in 10 minutes. At the end of the trek he had gotten over it and had also realized that he had finally managed to do something useful for Candy for a change and he was feeling rather good about himself.
And of course Candy and Terry ended up together and lived happily ever after, which is of course what really matters!!!